i am here. and i feel as though as this post continues on i may be on the verge of tears. i'm so frusterated. so frusterated and upset at the mediocrity i chose to live out in my life. the dormancy i have in the past chosen. often having something burning and ranging inside of me and yet not acting. not choosing to do something about it. not letting the flames burn through. i suppose that may mean it's not hot enough. so, i need to ask god to make this fire so hot that it will burn right through the flesh.
i am sick and tired of the amount of fruits and veggietables that i go out and buy thinking about how much i love the taste of them and how much i love being in the kitchen preparing something. but a week or two goes by and only half of the cauliflower has been eaten and the rest has started to brown. or the ball of cauliflower that i have only cut random chunks out of and it too is turning brown and the sides of it hidden beneath the green leaves are now moldy. then away i go. out of my kitchen and toss it in the garbage. (not even the compost all of the time!) and each time thinking how much of a waste it is. the fact that there are children, women, men who have next to nothing but perhaps anothers urine to drink or muddy parasite infested waters to drink. leaving the water on while i brush my teeth while not even using it. i'm so sick of it people. i'm so sick of it. i'm so sick of the fact that my cupboards are full of canned food and my freezer is full of freezer burnt food that eventually we will probably throw away. what a freaking waste. and if i were the swearing type that would have been the perfect sentence for me to boldy place the "f" word there. because that is how sick and tired i am.
sometimes in my mind i just think "god, why?" and get so frusterated with the fact that he is the almighty. and yet there is so much screwed up stuff here. and i know i know i know. what any of you being christians may say to me because i have said it myself. and i tell myself this. this is not a "crisis of faith" this is not me slipping away from god. i still without a doubt in my mind believe there is a god. i have seen god do some freaking awesome things. but i can't help but wonder. why? and i know this is one of those questions that the answer isn't as simple as placing a banana on a plate and passing it over.
i'm just so frusterated.
i have no idea. i have no sweet clue.
i spend numerous hours in front of a computer screen. watching videos that sometimes bring me a laugh. which is good, laughing is good. but to spend numerous hours. hours upon hours. when that time could be spent doing some serious warfare. praying. it could be spent researching. educating myself. and what do i do. watching some stupid videos about some famous people that i really like. read their work. look at their art. which i have nothing against doing. but when i have spent 3 even 2 hours of my life. even 1. on a quite regular basis. that's pathetic. and i hate that in myself. i want it to be dead. to be burned.
i spend my time worrying what this person thinks of this about me. or how i look to this cute boy. and what so and so thinks about the lame phrase i just said. worrying that my butt is too flabby and that this person probably thinks i'm stupid. or ugly. or not interesting. or not funny enough. or not outgoing enough. who fricken cares. i don't want to care. i want to have respect for people. i want to take care of my body, yes. but it shouldn't be for the sake of other people. it should be for jesus. for the health of my own body and for what i will could potentionally pass down to my children.
there are bigger problems out there than the flab on my ass or the plaque on my teeth. or the fact that i portray next to no sense of humour to people my own age. i like that i have compassion. i love it, actually. and i want to make a difference with that. i love that i cry easily because it means that i haven't numbed myself to the crap other people could make ignorant (and i don't mean that in the "that person is stupid or rude way" and use the word and don't know what it means) jokes
i want to live my life with integrity. i don't want to compromise. i don't want to give in just so i can "fit in" i'm so sick of people settling for less and people compromising their faith. for something that the person next door doesn't really think is that big of a deal.
i read something that is so impeccably true. "For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do-this i keep on doing" (Romans 7:19, TNIV). Dan Haseltine put this perfectly about Paul and people today. "He was speaking out of frusteration, but we speak the words in lament, and they become a contributor to our mobile complacency." i'm disguisted.
we speak the words in lament. I. I. IIII speak the words in lament. how pathetic is that of me. how disguisting is that. i've got everything. EVERYTHING. and yet I supposedly am too busy to take time out of MY day to educate myself to pray for people who have to go days without eating. who can't enjoy a refreshing cold glass of water. people whos homes are raided and tortured. tortured. killed. burned. screaming. pain. i mean people, people whom i'm friends with they watch these sick movies because "it's about the mind. it's deep" what the frig ever. they're so interested in death in pain. in torture. how the heck is that amusing. how is it entertaining. how can it not break their hearts.
i'm sick and tired of myself. and not in a bad way. not in a way where i feel as moping around and being all self-loathing and whatnot. i am sick and tired of the crap that is in me. the complacency. the sitting-around-on-my-lazy-ass-and-doing-nothing in me.
i feel like my chest is going to explode.
here it is. i'm going to type this out and have it concrete so i know what it is my goals are. and i will write it on my white board as well.
2. read. read about what's going on in the world. not just one topic in particular. but a diversity. anything and everything. learn. desire to learn. push to learn.
3.whenever i find myself wasting time on the computer or being idleness. change that. do something productive.
4.pray over my future in overseas missions. not just overseas but missions in general. missions here in my town. and pray over the wars that are going on. not just physical but spiritual.
5.stop caring so much what others think of me. and focus on making myself pleasing to god. and making a difference.
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