Cracker, Cheese, and Cucuumber.

Three items of food I like very much. And three items of food that I may possibly get sick of. But lets hope not.

I realized this week, actually have been reminded again, how good it is to get up early. Early enough to get ready and have extra time to spare. No matter how tired I may be it still is better, I think, to get up earlier and have time to spare than wake up late and feel rushed. Mornings are very important. Yes.

I am feeling a little heavy today. As opposed to my extreme happiness yesterday. Joy too. Of course. But today I have joy and heaviness.

I will say God has been so faithful in answering prayers though. Yesterday morning for my powertime I put on praise music and was in the dining hall. With the lights turned off and candles lit on all the tables. And I danced. It was so freeing. Although spuratically throughout the time I would get this fear in the back of my mind that someone would come in and see me. But since the teaching this week from Sue Rinaldi [Which I will explain more when it comes to Sunday what that was about.] I have really wanted to push my thoughts. I know I always say and speak that I do not want to put myself, and in turn, God in a box. But I really really do not. I want to dream big big dreams. Dreams from God. And I want to go for them. I do not want to let others words weigh me down. In any area. I find so much that words from other people influence so much my performance. Influence whether or not I take initiative. Instead of letting Gods dreams and his thoughts water my actions I let others. Which should not be the way, at all. I feed off of other peoples feelings and words so greatly. It can be incredibly frustrating. But in the end it has to be a choice of mine not to do that.

My prayer has been that God will show me new ways I can praise him. New ways to spend time with him. Other than the usual singing, praying, and just being in his presence. I want something more than that. I want special ways between Him and I. Something new. Something MORE.

My prayer also was that about dance. Because I feel dance inside of me. But I can be so awkward when it comes to my body. And I think the reason for that is because I have spoken it so much over myself that my body has indeed, become a little bit on the awkward side. . . Is that me speaking it again?

But my prayer has become that I will feel and be able to dance in front of people. Not that I need to do it or I want them to see me. But because I know it is something held captive in my heart. Yesterday I pictured my heart beating and the beat being to the music, wanting to exude out into my body but there were these heavy chains wrapped around it. Or this yucky hand squeezing it really tight. Every time it tried to get free this hand would clutch onto it and choke it to death. It is a horrible feeling.

I want the freedom to dance in front of people. I want to feel that.

I love cleaning the art factory. It is a time for me and God. I clean the dance studio and it is a real opportunity. I have kind of meanderly danced before. But this last Wednesday I danced. Like worked up a sweat dance. And it was amazing. It felt so, ah, good!

Okay. Switch of topics. You know, I went back and read through my blogs that I wrote before I came here. And I do not say this in regards to all of them, but some of them when I read them they made me feel a little blah inside. I could really see the influence of the few friends I had back home. I like sarcastic humour. I am cool with that. But I could read the negativity coming out of me. One thing that worries me is going home to a place where I did not have much community with others. And in a way I know that that is what I chose. I chose to not surround myself with people. But at the same time I really did not feel I connected. Not with people my own age. It was either adults or children.

We shall see. We shall see.